Disagreements in Marriage

Every married couple disagrees. What you can control is how you disagree. Agree on ground rules and pick a good time to talk. Stop trying to fix your spouse, and treat conflict as a chance to learn something new about each other. Let the small things go, keep talking about the big things until you agree, and get help when you can't.

Is it normal for married couples to disagree?

Yes. Disagreement is part of every marriage. Husbands and wives bring different personalities, expectations, and pressures into the same home, and those pressures shift through every season of life and parenting.

Marriage360 hosts Pastor Marty and Becky Sloan have been married more than 30 years. They managed to start a disagreement in the first ten seconds of this episode, over who was supposed to say whose name. Their home has never been hostile. But they have had tense moments and long silences. They have retreated to opposite ends of a small apartment and slept on the far edges of the bed.

Aim for a way of disagreeing that is fair, civil, and doesn't destroy the relationship.

Does it get easier with time?

It does. As a young wife, Becky used to get frustrated when older couples told her things get better with time. She didn't want to wait 30 years. Looking back, she says they were right.

In the first five to ten years, especially with a young family, disagreements can come out of nowhere, and immaturity keeps the fire going. Over time you learn your spouse's triggers. You learn not to jump on every comment. And you start to enjoy real peace in your home. If you are in the hard early years, take heart: the work you put in now pays off.

What ground rules help couples disagree fairly?

Ground rules are agreements you make ahead of time about what is safe to discuss and how and when you'll discuss it. The hosts share this from their own experience, not as counselors, and timing is the rule they come back to most.

Don't start a hard conversation after your spouse has worked a twelve-hour shift, the house is a mess, and everyone is tired. Late at night, with the lights out and one of you almost asleep, is usually the worst time of all.

People are wired differently. One spouse wants to talk right now and get it off their chest. The other needs to think it through and sleep on it. Neither is wrong. Find a time that works for both of you, and agree on it before the next disagreement starts.

Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.

James 1:19

Is it your job to fix your spouse?

No. Trying to correct everything about your spouse doesn't help them flourish, and it wears both of you out.

Pastor Marty admits this was his mistake early on. He thought it was his job to correct anything that didn't line up with his perspective and put everything in order. Looking back, he calls it an immature way to see a relationship. Becky added that she probably thought her job was to show him he wasn't right about everything either. At some point, they both gave up those projects.

She owned her side too. He was the communicator, and she tended to go quiet and sulk. She could have pushed herself to talk, knowing he wanted to work things out. You can't go back and fix the early years. But you can grow, and you can become a better communicator if that's what your marriage needs.

Can conflict be good for a marriage?

Yes. Conflict itself isn't bad. It is a discovery opportunity. How you handle it is what can do damage.

For example, early in their marriage, Pastor Marty proudly brought home a pint of cherry cordial ice cream, sure Becky would love it. She told him she was a peanut butter chocolate person. He was crushed. Today it is a funny story. If she had pretended to like it, he would have kept buying it. Her honesty gave him a clear path to bless her with what she actually enjoys.

Many disagreements are really just finding out something you didn't know about your spouse. It might be what they like to eat, where they want to go, or what kind of help they actually want. If you don't take every moment personally, those moments help you know each other better.

What if you're hurt by something your spouse didn't mean?

Ask what they meant, and then ask what your reaction says about your own heart. Sometimes you feel something your spouse never intended.

Words don't always come out the way you mean them, and they aren't always heard the way they were said. When you feel that prickle of hurt, one of the hosts suggests asking yourself: why did I take it that way? Is there pride, bitterness, or something else in my heart that I need to deal with? Your responses can tell you something about yourself.

Which disagreements should you let go?

Let the small things go and keep working on the core things. Choose your battles.

The hosts compare it to football. There is holding on every play, but if the referees called every foul, the game would never end. In marriage, you are close to each other all the time, bumping into each other's habits and preferences. Most of that can be talked through and then left alone.

Core values are the things a couple needs to agree on. For the hosts, that means their faith, their family, their finances, and their church. On those, a couple needs to keep talking until they reach agreement and can move forward together.

When should you get outside help?

Get help when there is something the two of you can't talk about. Anything a couple can't talk about, they probably won't resolve, because most resolution comes through communication.

That is the time to bring in a pastor, a trusted advisor, or a counselor. They can sit down with you both and lead you through it.

Common questions

Is it normal for married couples to disagree?

Yes. Different personalities, expectations, and pressures make disagreement part of every marriage. The goal is to disagree fairly and in a way that builds the relationship instead of damaging it.

How do you disagree fairly in marriage?

Set ground rules together, pick a good time to talk, assume the best about what your spouse meant, and don't try to correct everything. Keep talking until core issues are resolved, and let small things go.

What is the worst time to bring up a disagreement?

Late at night, when you are both tired, or right after a long workday is usually the worst time. Agree together on a time when both of you can think clearly and listen well.

When should we get outside help?

Maybe there is something the two of you can't talk about, or the same conflict keeps coming back without resolution. That is the time to bring someone in. Reach out to a pastor at Calvary to sit down with you both, or call Heritage Counseling, a trusted local counselor, at 815-577-8970 and press 1 for intake.