Helping v. Hindering Your Spouse

If you want to help your spouse grow without nagging, comparing, or using their weak spots against them, start with their strengths. Then follow their lead. Pray before you raise a concern, watch your tone, and replace a quick "no" with "let's talk about that." Sometimes the best help you can give is simply not standing in the way.

How do you help your spouse grow without nagging?

You help your spouse grow by focusing on their strengths and supporting the growth they already want. It isn't your job to enable weakness. It also isn't your job to keep pointing it out, unless that's a conversation the two of you are having together.

People value different things in different seasons of life. Your spouse may want to read more, learn more, or build up a new area. On Marriage360, hosts Pastor Marty and Becky Sloan talked this through. Becky puts it simply: follow your spouse's lead about where they're going, and ask how you can help.

Pastor Marty adds a practical warning. Find out what your spouse actually wants before you "help." Unless your wife asked for a treadmill, don't buy her one for Christmas.

Why is it wrong to use your spouse's weaknesses against them?

It's wrong because it tears down the person you promised to build up. If you know your spouse has an insecurity, why would you ever use it against them? Help them grow in that area instead of pointing out what's wrong and making them feel worse.

The Marriage360 hosts name a hard truth here. Sometimes a spouse who is insecure will use the other person's weakness to feel stronger, or to hold it over them. That draws a line that says, "I'm good here, and you're not." A helping spouse asks a different question: what can I do to help you get stronger?

It's also easy to box your spouse in. You may assume one area belongs to you and another belongs to them, when in fact both of you contribute in both places.

What does it feel like when your spouse invests in you?

It feels like love. When Becky senses Pastor Marty looking for ways to build her up, she says it feels like an investment. He loves her enough to want her to succeed.

Pastor Marty describes his view this way. His job has always been to help her be the best version of herself, as far as she wants that support. It has never been to force her into his own expectations.

For example, he remembers the day she graduated from nursing school. He called himself the second happiest person in the arena. He knew what she had overcome, including moving to another state in the middle of her program. She returns the credit. He watched their small children so she could study. Years later, he finished a doctorate in midlife while working full time. She carried more of the daily decisions so he had less weighing on him at the end of the day.

As he puts it, there's no downside to seeing your spouse succeed. You don't need them to fail so you can succeed.

How do you bring up an area where your spouse could improve?

Bring it up with prayer, without comparison, and with a careful tone. There are things you see in your spouse that no one else sees, and some of them are worth talking about. How you say it decides whether it helps.

• Pray first. Ask the Holy Spirit for discernment before you say anything. These conversations should come from love and a real desire to help.
• Don't compare. "My mom did it this way" or "my dad provided like this" is a recipe for disaster.
• Watch your presentation. Attitude and tone shape how a concern is received.

Pastor Marty has coached a couple where the wife kept comparing her husband to her father, who could fix anything with his hands. Her husband wasn't wired that way, and every broken fixture at home brought him lower. Framed differently, having a handy father-in-law could have been a blessing to both of them.

What does hindering your spouse look like?

Hindering is standing in the way of your spouse's growth. It usually starts with "here's why that won't work" or a flat "no" before your spouse has been heard. Few adults like hearing that from another adult.

Pastor Marty and Becky have made two major moves, from Ohio to Arkansas and later to Illinois. At each step, she could have refused. When she wanted to go back to school for her master's degree and become a nurse practitioner, he could have said no. Neither did.

Concerns are fair, and money matters. You should be able to voice questions as an adult. But try replacing "no" and "never" with "let's talk about that." Write ideas down. Ask what a plan might look like now, or in a couple of years. Your words have power, so lead with openness instead of shutting the door.

There's a faith piece too. Sometimes the question is whether you trust God enough to step out with your spouse when they sense Him leading. Unless something is truly unsafe, a season like that may be a test that grows your own faith.

Why is helping at the heart of marriage?

Helping is at the heart of marriage because it's at the heart of how God works with us. Jesus promised to send the Holy Spirit to help His people, and God described Eve as a helper for Adam.

The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him."

Genesis 2:18

Pastor Marty and Becky tie it to the way Christ laid down His life for His bride, the church. When you lay down your own wants to help your spouse, you reflect Him.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.

Ephesians 5:25

After more than thirty years of marriage, the hosts know exactly what helps each other and what trips each other up. They close with a commitment worth borrowing: I want to be a spouse who helps and doesn't hinder.

Common questions

How can I help my spouse improve without nagging?

Focus on their strengths, follow their lead on where they want to grow, pray before bringing up concerns, and pay attention to your tone. Avoid comparing them to anyone else.

What does the Bible say about being a helper in marriage?

Genesis 2:18 describes the wife as a helper suitable for her husband, and Jesus promised to send the Holy Spirit to help His people. Both spouses are called to help each other and to lay down their own wants the way Christ did for the church.

Is it wrong to say no to my spouse's plans?

Voicing concerns is fair, and finances and safety matter. But a flat "no" before you've heard your spouse out tends to hinder. Try "let's talk about that," and work out together what a plan could look like now or later.

Why shouldn't I compare my spouse to my parents?

Comparison makes your spouse feel they can never measure up, and it rarely leads to growth. Name the need directly and kindly instead of pointing to how someone else did it.