Investing in Your Marriage

You invest in your career, your kids, your house, and your bills, but when did you last invest on purpose in your spouse? A strong marriage grows from small, steady investments: time together, intentional thoughts, touch, and life-giving words. Give them out of love, not to get something back, and trust God with the return. And don't try to do marriage alone.

What does it mean to invest in your marriage?

Investing in your marriage means giving your spouse your time, attention, and care on purpose, so they know they matter to you. It's the opposite of drifting. Without investment, you can get caught up just occupying the same house. You go to work, pay bills, and raise kids, and you never stop to ask, "Have I shown my spouse today that they're worth something to me?"

Investment doesn't have to be expensive or elaborate. Pastor Marty and Becky Sloan have been married more than 30 years. When they were dating, he would bring her tiny Hallmark figurines: a little bunny, a turtle, a panda. Small gifts like that can mean a lot.

Why is time the most important investment?

Time is the one investment you can never get back. You only have 24 hours. Add work, kids, meals, sleep, and a little time alone, and there isn't much left over. That's what makes the time you do give your spouse so valuable.

Some couples schedule time together on a calendar. Others keep it simple: a walk with the dogs, or a long drive with nowhere you need to be. Either works. What matters is that you spend time together on purpose.

Flexibility helps too. They laughed about the night they got engaged. The plan included a limousine, a park overlooking Cincinnati, and dinner at a rotating restaurant. It ended with double cheeseburgers from a McDonald's drive-thru, ordered from the back of the limo, and a ride to show the ring to their families. The plan changed. The time together was what counted.

How do you invest emotionally when you can't relate?

You invest emotionally by being present, even when you don't fully understand what your spouse is going through. Cheer for them when they succeed. Stay close when they're down. Give them room to feel what they feel.

Empathy means caring how someone feels even when you haven't lived it yourself. You might say, "I can't know what you're going through, but I love you and I want you to be okay." For example, they described a recent season when one of them couldn't fully relate to what the other was facing. That spouse chose to be present and supportive anyway. That kind of support goes both ways in a healthy marriage.

How do you invest in a way your spouse will notice?

Invest in the way your spouse best receives love. Many couples have found Gary Chapman's book The Five Love Languages helpful here. Some people feel most loved through gifts, others through words of affirmation, quality time, or other expressions. Learn which one speaks to your spouse, and invest in that language rather than only in your own.

What are the four T's of investing in marriage?

The four T's are time, thinking, touch, and talk. They're a simple way to remember where to invest.

• Time. It's the one investment that isn't refundable.
• Thinking. Be intentional. A quick message that says "I'm thinking about you" gives a real boost. It shows your spouse was on your mind on purpose, not just somewhere in the background.
• Touch. From casual to intimate, touch is one of the ways a husband and wife communicate. God built people for touch, and in marriage it can go deeper than the handshakes and casual hugs of friendship.
• Talk. Words plant seeds that bring a harvest.

The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.

Proverbs 18:21

God spoke and the world was created. Scripture pictures His Word as seed that's sown. Your words to your spouse work the same way. What you sow, you will eventually reap.

What if you invest and nothing changes?

Keep investing, and trust God with the timing. Investing in a marriage is like sowing seed. You can't guarantee the return or when it will come.

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

Galatians 6:9

Don't be discouraged, and don't give up if you don't see change right away.

Is it wrong to expect something back?

It's normal to hope for a response, but giving in order to get turns love into a transaction. Most of us have done it: "If I do X, my spouse will do Y."

Pastor Marty was honest about this. He admitted that he once cleaned the whole house and took care of the kids, hoping for a romantic evening. He got a simple "Oh, thanks." Moments like that raise a hard question: what was my motive in the first place? Was it really about my spouse, or about me?

When you give to create a predictable outcome, you're trying to control the other person. That's manipulation. Whatever they do in return comes from pressure, not love. The better way is to do what's right because it's right, out of love for your spouse, and trust the return to the Lord. He is Lord of the harvest, and He decides when the fruit comes.

Is marriage worth the work?

Yes. Every relationship takes work: friendships, work relationships, parents and children. Marriage is no different, and it's worth it.

A long marriage brings a special gift. You can picture your spouse the day you met and see them today, and both images come together into one view of the whole person. The strength of what has been carries you through what is, including life's transitions.

God's plan is for marriage to last a lifetime. When that doesn't happen, He still has grace and a plan for every life.

Why shouldn't couples do marriage alone?

Couples need community because healthy friendships with other couples bring support, prayer, and perspective in hard seasons. And what you've learned may be exactly what another couple needs.

Pastor Marty and Becky admitted a big early mistake: thinking a strong marriage meant keeping to themselves. In recent years they've been blessed by several couples who are doing marriage God's way. Some are from their church, and some they met at a marriage conference. When things aren't going well, they pray together, talk, and help each other.

Common questions

What are practical ways to invest in my marriage?

Focus on four T's: time together, thinking about your spouse intentionally, touch, and life-giving talk. Learning your spouse's love language helps you invest in the way they receive best.

What if I invest in my marriage and nothing changes?

Change doesn't always come on our timeline. Keep doing what's right out of love, and trust God with the harvest. Galatians 6:9 encourages you not to give up, because the harvest comes at the proper time.

Why do married couples need community?

Healthy friendships with other couples who are doing marriage God's way bring support, prayer, and perspective in hard seasons. They also give you a chance to help other couples with what you've learned.