Value The Differences

Opposites attract, until you get married and the differences start to feel like problems. Maybe you and your spouse seem to disagree about everything from bedtime to salad dressing. Here's the short answer: your differences are not a sign your marriage is failing. God gave you a spouse who is different by design, and those differences are how you both grow. The goal is to stop letting them divide you.

Why do differences feel like problems after the wedding?

Because daily life turns charming quirks into daily decisions. Before marriage, differences feel attractive: your partner is funnier, more serious, interested in things you've never thought about. After the wedding, those same differences can start to feel like proof that something is wrong.

Marriage360 hosts Pastor Marty and Becky Sloan have been married more than thirty years. They say differences come up in almost every marriage coaching session. Couples go back and forth about them as if they were a surprise. But sameness is easy, and it can also be stagnant. Someone just like you takes no work to connect with, and they rarely stretch you.

Can differences actually make a marriage stronger?

Yes. Difference is how growth happens, in creation and in marriage. A seed grows because the soil around it is different from it. Plants need both wet and dry, both day and night. On the podcast, the hosts summed it up in a line worth remembering: life comes from different, not from same.

As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.

Proverbs 27:17

Over three decades, the hosts have shaped each other in ways neither expected. For example, Pastor Marty came from a ketchup and mayo family, and Becky introduced him to blue cheese dressing, olives, and oil and vinegar. Their differences changed where they vacation and how they see things. Pastor Marty even changed firmly held positions from the early years of marriage because of Becky's perspective. Nobody ends up with life exactly the way they pictured it. That's part of how God grows you.

What does valuing differences look like day to day?

Valuing differences is making small, chosen sacrifices that tell your spouse they matter. Couples differ in ordinary ways all the time. One is a night owl and the other is ready for bed at 8:30. One wants a quiet house and a late cup of coffee. The other wants their spouse beside them when they fall asleep.

In the hosts' marriage, the night owl now goes to bed at the same time most nights of the week. It matters to the other. That small sacrifice turns out to be a win for both of them. Neither of you has to always give in. Each of you notices what matters most to the other and chooses to honor it.

Shared activities help too, even when you're different at them. The hosts took up golf together in recent years, and their strengths are opposite. Becky hits a long drive, and the other is better with irons and chipping. Different strengths, same course, a lot of fun.

Why does laughing at yourself help your marriage?

Because it takes pressure off both of you. If you insist on looking perfect, your spouse has nowhere to go. They want to laugh at something you did, but they're afraid you'll take it badly. When you laugh at yourself first, your spouse gets to laugh with you, not at you.

The hosts joke that when they walk into a room together, it's "here comes the hammer and here comes humor." They still debate which one is which. That playfulness is part of the point. Celebrate your differences, laugh at your own imperfections, and find joy in what the two of you are together.

This gets easier with time. In the early years of marriage, you may hold back a smile so you don't hurt your spouse's feelings. As you grow more secure in each other, you get more comfortable laughing together.

Are different parenting styles bad for kids?

No. When parents work together, different personalities give children a fuller picture of life. Kids will grow up to have strict teachers and easygoing ones, serious bosses and funny coworkers. When they watch different personalities work together at home, they learn early how to relate to all kinds of people.

God gifted mothers and fathers differently. Let your differences be strengths in your parenting.

When is a difference more than a preference?

When it's actually harming the marriage. Most of what couples argue about are preferences and personality quirks. Preferences are everyday differences like bedtimes, food, vacations, and hobbies. Those are meant to be celebrated. But if a difference is destructive to your relationship, it isn't a quirk to laugh about. It needs to be addressed and resolved, and getting help from a pastor or counselor is a wise step.

For everyday differences, the rule is simple: never let a difference become the divider. Make it a point of celebration.

Common questions

Why do differences cause problems in marriage?

Differences that felt attractive while dating can feel like obstacles once you share daily life. The key is learning to see them as a source of growth instead of a reason for conflict.

How can couples celebrate their differences?

Study your spouse, try the things they enjoy, make small sacrifices for what matters to them, and learn to laugh at your own imperfections. Shared activities where you each bring different strengths can help too.

Are different parenting styles bad for kids?

Not when parents work together. Different personalities give children a more complete picture of life and help them learn to relate to all kinds of people.

What if our differences are hurting our marriage?

Differences that are actually harmful to the marriage need to be addressed and resolved, not simply celebrated. You can reach out to a pastor at Calvary, or call Heritage Counseling, a trusted local counseling center, at 815-577-8970.