Why Yes Is Best!

Does "no" feel like the default answer in your marriage? No to the errand, no to dinner out, no to the thing your spouse keeps asking about? Saying yes more often is usually easier, kinder, and better for your marriage. Some answers do need to be no. But when you look past the request to what your spouse is really hoping for, a lot of no answers can become yes.

Why is saying yes usually easier?

Because arguing often takes longer than doing. Most parents know the picture: you ask a child to clean their room, and they argue so long the room could have been cleaned twice. Adults do the same thing in marriage. Something in human nature leans toward no, even when no costs more time and peace than yes would.

Pastor Marty and Becky Sloan, the Marriage360 hosts, married about 30 years, are clear that some answers should be no. But they've watched couples where one spouse seems determined to refuse nearly everything. Looking back on their own marriage, they say there were plenty of times a simple yes would have saved a lot of tension. It would have created more harmony than standing on the mountain of no.

As the hosts put it, you can not want to do something and still choose to do it. That's one of the benefits of being an adult.

Why do some spouses say no so often?

Often, no feels like control. Control, in this sense, is using no to stop the conversation so that nothing moves until I say so. The hosts warned that nothing will stifle an intimate, thriving relationship like control.

And control usually comes from fear. If your spouse says no a lot, don't respond with anger. Respond with curiosity. There may be fear or past hurt underneath the pattern. Helping your spouse get to the root of it and release it can do wonders for both of you.

Habits matter too. Some people get in the habit of saying no. Others say yes too much, especially to their kids. The goal is to keep no from becoming the automatic answer.

How can asking a better question change the answer?

Many no answers come from hearing the wrong question. Before you answer a request, ask what your spouse is really hoping for.

Pastor Marty and Becky tell the story of their first dog. Pastor Marty didn't want a dog at all. But the family had just moved 13 hours away from extended family with two young boys, and he would be at work all day. The real question wasn't "Do you want a dog?" It was "Do you want your spouse to have comfort and companionship while you're gone?" Of course he did. The dog was a pathway to something he already valued, and it ended up growing up alongside their boys.

The same thing works in everyday decisions:

• "Do you want to go out to dinner?" might really be "Do you want me to feel valued?"
• "Do the kids need a set bedtime?" might really be "Do we want healthy kids and some space in our evenings?"
• With physical intimacy, the real question may be "Do you want a spouse who feels connected to you emotionally, spiritually, and physically?"

When you think about the question differently, you may get to yes much faster. Ask yourself: what will this do for my spouse if I say yes?

What happens when you keep saying no?

Eventually your spouse stops asking. When someone hears no over and over, they retreat to something else that gives them attention or enjoyment. An occasional night out with friends becomes a habit, then a weekend thing. The spouse who kept refusing is left wondering why they never spend time together.

Yes and no are body language, too. Agreeing to something and then sulking the whole time still says no. The goal is a heart that says, "I want my spouse to feel valued in this marriage, and if that means saying yes more often, I will."

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.

Philippians 2:3 to 4

If your yes comes with a bit of a frown at first, that's okay. You're working through it, and no one expects you to be fake. But marriage does ask you to be sacrificial, and it can take a few tries to lean into yes. Give your spouse the same grace and time.

How do you help your spouse win?

Learn your spouse's hard no answers and stop putting them in situations where they feel they can't win. Over the years, the hosts have each learned what not to ask the other. That's part of positioning your spouse for success.

Married life is full of small daily decisions: schedules, meals, texts, errands, what's for dinner. Watch that no doesn't become the main voice in all of that back and forth.

Too many yeses can be a problem too, and each couple has to say yes within healthy boundaries and a clear conscience. Still, in Pastor Marty and Becky's experience, yes has brought great blessing to their marriage. No has brought tension, conflict, and an "I'll get my way anyway" mindset.

Common questions

Should I always say yes to my spouse?

No. Some answers need to be no, and yes should stay within healthy boundaries and a clear conscience. The goal is to keep no from becoming the default answer in your marriage.

Why does my spouse say no to everything?

Sometimes no is a way to feel in control, and control often comes from fear or past hurt. Instead of getting angry, try to understand what is underneath it and help your spouse work through it.

What happens if I keep saying no to my spouse?

Over time your spouse may stop asking and look for attention or enjoyment somewhere else. That pattern can slowly pull a couple apart, even when neither of you intends it.

How can I say yes when I really don't want to?

Think about what your spouse is really asking for and what your yes will do for them. It's okay if it takes a few tries; marriage asks you to be sacrificial, and your attitude can grow into your yes.