Answering Questions About Dating!

If you're single and want to date in a way that honors God, you probably have questions. How should a man pursue a woman? How long should you date, and what should make you walk away? Start by building relationships where healthy people already gather. Settle what you believe marriage is before you worry about a timeline. Walk away from anyone who shows the red flags of poor character or unclear faith.

How should a man pursue a woman?

A man should pursue a woman with clear initiative, inside real relationships, in places where people share your values. If you want to be pursued by someone who loves God, spend time where people like that already are: church, a small group, a young adults night.

For example, Pastor Marty and Becky Sloan, the Marriage360 hosts, have been married about 30 years. They dated mostly in church and family settings. They spent time at each other's parents' houses and after Sunday services. It sounds old-fashioned, but it still works. Two people get to know each other in front of people who know them well.

God designed men to pursue. A woman can still be friendly and show some interest. She can also set the expectation that a man who wants to date her needs to pursue her. Bring your parents and church friends into the conversation early, too.

Are dating apps making it harder?

Dating apps and social media can make it harder, because they push you to judge people before you know them. On an app, you sort someone by their views on politics, money, or anything else before you've shared a single conversation. It turns dating into an elimination culture: you're out, you're out, you're out.

Some people should be ruled out. But scrolling through years of someone's posts can lead you to prejudge a person who might be a great match. Conversation and time reveal character better than a profile does.

How long should you date before getting married?

There is no fixed number of months. The right length depends on your stage of life and your maturity. It matters less than whether you both understand what marriage is.

Marriage is a covenant between a husband and a wife who share convictions and a spiritual connection and want to build a family together. It is not an extended sleepover, and it is not mainly about what you can get out of it. Marriage has drifted from something that joined families toward something centered on the individual. A strong marriage gives you a great deal, and it asks both of you to invest a great deal. For a deeper look, the episode recommends Tim Keller's book The Meaning of Marriage.

A few other things shape the timeline:

• Social media compresses it. You can learn a lot about someone quickly now.
• Age and history matter. Older couples, or people who have been married before, may not need a long dating season.
• No one is fully ready. You learn as you go, and you keep growing for decades.
• The questions should get more mature. The older you are, the more direct and serious the questions you should ask while dating.

Living together before marriage is a different matter, and Pastor Marty strongly advises against it. Many couples he counsels who lived together first find that everything shifted once they married. A covenant is a binding promise made before God. Moving from an optional relationship to a covenant changes the dynamic. That is especially true when your lives, finances, and furniture are already merged.

What makes marriage harder than you expect?

Expect sharing to be harder than you think. After marriage, your time, calendar, money, and space all become "ours." Even one bathroom in a first home becomes a daily negotiation.

Marriage is a comfortable discomfort. It takes work, and anything of value does. Learning to think about another person instead of only yourself makes you a better person.

How does a marriage stay alive for decades?

A marriage stays alive when you stop comparing seasons and embrace the one you're in. Being young and broke together is good. A later season with more resources is good too.

Expect more valleys than mountaintops, and know there is good in the valleys. Looking back on 30 years, Pastor Marty and Becky describe their marriage as one foot in front of the other. Both of them show up every day and refuse to quit. You can't predict who you'll be in ten years, so don't expect your marriage to stay frozen either.

What are the red flags in Christian dating?

The biggest red flags are toxic behavior, dishonesty, strong addictive patterns, and no real clarity about faith.

• Toxicity. Someone who blames others and never sees themselves as part of the problem.
• Dishonesty. Lying breeds many other problems, so don't tolerate it.
• Strong addictions. Spending, food, drugs, alcohol, sex. People can be redeemed and restored, but restoration from addiction is a process that takes time.
• Unclear faith. Everyone is growing, and new believers are welcome. You still need real agreement about following Jesus.

Look at three things in anyone you date: their faith, family, and future. Faith governs the home, because a healthy marriage rests on both people submitting to God's authority. Family matters because you're joining a family system. Meet their parents and know what you're stepping into. And future means marrying someone who has a future with or without you, with character, abilities, and gifts that don't hinge on you. Together you'll be stronger, but neither of you should be codependent on the other for success.

Should you date someone hoping they'll come to faith?

No. Evangelistic dating is dating someone in the hope that they'll come to faith, and it's unwise for men and women alike. If someone you're interested in comes to faith, give them time to grow and watch from a distance. Invite them to young adults and to church, and be a friend. If their faith is real, it will still be there a year from now.

As the episode put it: people can come to Christ by your witness, not by your kiss. Jesus is their Savior, and you are not.

Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?

2 Corinthians 6:14

Dating also shapes you. Giving yourself emotionally and physically to a string of people affects how you show up in marriage later. You only have so much of yourself to give.

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.

Proverbs 4:23

Common questions

How long should Christians date before getting married?

There is no fixed timeline. It depends on your stage of life and your maturity. What matters more is that both of you understand marriage as a lifelong covenant and ask honest, mature questions while you date.

Should Christian couples live together before marriage?

The Marriage360 hosts advise against it. Couples who live together first often find that everything shifts once they move from an optional relationship to a covenant, and they struggle because their lives were already merged.

What are red flags when dating as a Christian?

Watch for toxic or blaming behavior, dishonesty, strong addictive patterns, and no clarity about faith. It also helps to look at three areas: the person's faith, their family system, and whether they have a future of their own.

Is it okay to date someone who isn't a Christian?

Scripture warns against being yoked together with unbelievers, and evangelistic dating rarely ends well. Be a friend and invite the person to church, but give a new believer time to grow before you consider a relationship.

Are dating apps bad for Christians?

Apps aren't wrong in themselves, but they can create an elimination culture where you rule people out before you know them. Use them as an introduction at most, and let a relationship grow through real conversation and in healthy community.