Those People... In-Laws!

You married one person and got their whole family. In-laws can be a real gift or a steady source of stress, and most couples feel both at some point. For a healthy relationship with in-laws, put your marriage first and stay united with your spouse. Deal with problems early and humbly, and stay open to the wisdom your families can offer.

What do healthy in-law relationships look like?

Healthy in-laws are family members who support your marriage without trying to run it. They pray for you, offer advice when you ask, and help in practical ways. They don't step in to take over or point fingers.

Marriage360 hosts Pastor Marty and Becky Sloan, married about thirty years, say they've been blessed with good in-laws on both sides. Their families knew each other through church before they married, and today their parents live one street apart. The biggest reason it has worked, they say, is that their parents never got involved in their relationship.

Their parents mentored them and helped when help was needed. For example, as broke newlyweds they'd find groceries dropped off, once with every label removed from the cans as a surprise. Later, the wife had to go back to work after their first son was born, and grandparents helped care for the kids.

Should your spouse come before your parents?

Yes. When a husband and a wife marry, they become a new family. That union needs to take priority over every other family relationship.

That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.

Genesis 2:24

That doesn't mean cutting your families off. Pastor Marty encourages couples to lean into the strengths of the families they came from. Their first Christmas, they spent the night at her parents' house across town. Do what makes sense for the two of you, but remember that this is a new union.

One of the best pieces of advice they got came from the husband's parents right after the wedding. "Don't ever complain to us about your wife, because we will take her side." He says he never has, in thirty years. Parents who refuse to take sides against your spouse are giving your marriage a gift.

What should you notice about in-laws while you're dating?

Dating is the time to learn how your future spouse's family works and what role they expect to play. Sometimes the person you're dating is healthy, but the family situation around them isn't. You want to see that early.

Culture matters, too. In a place like Chicagoland, couples come from many backgrounds. Some cultures expect much more family involvement than others, with a strong matriarch or patriarch at the center. That doesn't have to be a deal breaker. Just go in with your eyes open, and be ready to stand together as a couple.

What if you came from a difficult family?

You aren't doomed to repeat it. God redeems family stories, and you can start a new pattern in your own marriage.

The hosts say some of the most fun couples to watch are first generation Christians. A first generation Christian is the first in their family to follow Jesus. Everything is new, and they're relying completely on the Lord to build their marriage and their family. No one picks their family. As Pastor Marty put it, we were each given a family by divine design, and God is working it out for our good and for His glory.

What do you do when in-laws are hurting your marriage?

Talk with your spouse first, stay united, and deal with it early. The real danger is in-laws dividing the marriage.

Start with a humble, honest conversation between the two of you: "This is how I feel about your mother's involvement," or "This is how I feel about your father stepping in." Then stand together. Sometimes that leads to a respectful conversation with the in-law. When it comes from humility and the right spirit, most families can hear it.

Don't wait. Kids and plenty of other pressures are coming. It helps when both sets of parents know early where you stand. We'll come to you when we need advice, and you're welcome to speak into our lives, but this is our marriage. As the husband said on the episode, you can deal with a lot of things if you deal with them together.

How should grandparents and parents share the work of raising kids?

Parents raise the kids; grandparents support. Your children are yours to raise, so set clear boundaries. Be clear about when you're actually asking for input, so an open-ended question doesn't become an open door.

At the same time, grandparents have raised families and lived through a lot. Their wisdom can be a great benefit. Be humble enough as a new parent to admit you don't know it all, and open to godly advice. The hosts' adult sons still speak of both sets of grandparents with love and respect.

If you're the in-law, the hosts' advice is to encourage your married children to grow into their own independence. Give them the space to do it. Every marriage takes time to work things out.

Common questions

How do you set boundaries with in-laws?

Start with an honest, humble conversation with your spouse, then stand together. Be clear about when you want advice, especially about raising your kids, and address issues early and respectfully.

Should my spouse come before my parents?

Yes. Genesis 2:24 describes a man leaving his father and mother and being united to his wife, so marriage creates a new family that comes first. You can still honor and enjoy your parents and lean on their strengths.

What if my in-laws are causing problems in our marriage?

Talk openly with your spouse first, stay united, and if needed have a respectful conversation with the in-law. Don't let family members divide the two of you.

Can I have a healthy marriage if my family was difficult?

Yes. God redeems family stories, and you can start a new pattern in your own marriage with His help. Many first generation Christian couples build strong marriages by relying fully on the Lord.