Is Your Marriage Healthy, or Just Surviving

A healthy marriage is more than a marriage that hasn't ended. Pastor and author Kevin Thompson pictures it as a triangle: a husband, a wife, and an "us" that is its own thing. It stays strong when you share a few things that truly matter and respect every other difference, because many of the differences that frustrate you are God's protection for you.

What does a healthy marriage look like?

On this episode of Marriage360, the marriage podcast from Pastor Marty and Becky Sloan of Calvary Church of Naperville, Pastor Marty welcomes his friend Kevin Thompson from California. Kevin starts with a picture from the doctor's office. If your doctor said, "You're not having a heart attack and you're not having a stroke, so you're healthy," you would want more than that.

Yet that is how many couples describe their marriage: we're not divorcing, and we don't hate each other right now, so we must be fine. Kevin says lasting matters, but his goal is to help families flourish. He points back to Psalm 1 and its picture of a flourishing life.

That person is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither.

Psalm 1:3

Is your marriage its own thing?

Ask someone about their business or their hobby and they can give you numbers. Ask about their family and they go straight to the kids. Ask "How's your marriage?" and Kevin says you often get a blank stare, because we rarely think of marriage as its own thing.

His book The Creation of Us uses a simple triangle. Put your name and your spouse's name on the two bottom corners and the word "us" at the top, with God in the midst of all of it. A healthy marriage has flourishing individuals and a flourishing "us" that is bigger than either of you.

Are you losing your "us," or losing yourself?

Kevin names two ways to miss it:

• Isolation. Two people live parallel lives and never build an "us."
• Enmeshment. One spouse loses their sense of self. Some couples who drop their youngest off at college tell him, "I don't even know who I am anymore."

Becoming one does not mean one of you disappears. Husband and wife stay distinct, each with gifts and plans God wants to carry out. Kevin says his love for his wife, Jenny, should help her come alive and feel secure enough to try new things. If someone diminishes you or keeps you from sharing your thoughts, he says, "that's not love, that's control."

In his experience, about one in five people in a room like this feel they are losing themselves, and most feel they lack a strong sense of "us."

Why is a triangle so strong?

On a trip to Italy, Kevin noticed that the roof trusses of an old monastery were all triangles. A triangle, he learned, can bear a great deal of weight as long as it stays connected at the top.

In marriage, the top is held together by unifying similarities: the things a couple must share. For Kevin and Jenny, that means a common desire to please God, a belief that marriage should glorify Him, and equal effort. One spouse giving everything while the other gives little will not work.

Once those are in place, the more different you are, the wider and stronger your base. Kevin calls this unifying similarities and respected differences.

Can your differences protect you?

Kevin believes a good number of the things that frustrate you about your spouse are God's protection for you. Jenny grew up on a farm in rural Oklahoma, where Saturday was for chores. Kevin grew up in the suburbs, where Saturday was for sleeping in and golf. Their first Saturday as a married couple showed them they could use the same word and mean different things.

He also describes himself as head driven and Jenny as gut driven. When they weighed a move to California, he would ask, "What do you think?" and she would ask, "What are we gonna do?" Neither asked how the other felt. Now they see the gift in each other: her drive moves him to act, and his information keeps her from a rash decision.

His favorite example is a lost driver's license. Jenny, a skilled negotiator, found their house in California on her own. Flying out to meet him afterward, she lost her driver's license at the airport. Kevin knew exactly where her passport was: in his travel backpack, where he had tucked it away for a day like that. She makes the deal, and he makes sure she gets home.

Common questions

How do I know if my marriage is healthy?

Look past what is not happening. A healthy marriage has two growing individuals and a shared "us" they both invest in, held together by a common faith and equal effort.

Is it normal to feel like I've lost myself in marriage?

It can happen, especially in busy parenting years. A spouse's love should help you come alive, not shrink you, so talk about it and make room for each other's gifts and growth.

Are big differences a bad sign for a marriage?

Not necessarily. A few things must be shared, like faith and effort. Beyond those, differences you respect can make your marriage stronger.