What's Going On Below the Table

Most fights are not really about the dishes. Below the table, out of sight, one or both of you feel unseen, unheard, unvalued, or unloved. When one spouse protests and the other defends, both stay stuck. Naming the feeling calmly, and asking about your spouse's heart instead of defending yourself, turns the same moment into connection.

What is going on below the table?

This episode of Marriage360, the marriage podcast from Pastor Marty and Becky Sloan of Calvary Church of Naperville, continues a talk by Pastor Marty's friend Kevin Thompson. In the first part, Kevin described a healthy marriage as him, her, and a shared "us." Here, using what he calls the table illustration from his book Love Styles, he shows what happens when that "us" is missing.

Picture a table between a husband and wife. Above the table is what you can see: the words and the body language. Below the table is what you can't see: whether each of you feels seen, heard, loved, valued, and understood. When a couple has a strong sense of "us," both feel known. When they drift into isolation, something feels off, even if neither can say what.

How can the same moment feel so different?

Kevin imagines his wife, Jenny, coming home on a Saturday to a sink full of dishes while he watches football on the couch. If she feels connected, she might think, "He's worked hard all week," put on worship music, and invite him to help. If she feels unseen and unloved, the very same scene tells her she is being taken advantage of.

The dishes did not change. What was going on below the table did.

Why do couples get stuck in the same fight?

When feelings are triggered and not named, Kevin says we raise a protest. We take an issue and make it bigger to match what is inside: "I guess you don't care about these dishes." Now the other spouse feels attacked and raises a defense: tired from the golf course, the game was on, he was going to get to it.

Every defense keeps the focus on the one defending, so the first spouse feels even less seen. The protest gets louder, and the defense gets stronger or shuts down. Kevin calls this the infinity cycle: two people who both want connection but keep missing it.

He adds that this is not about gender. The sides can switch, and the same cycle can show up around intimacy, with one spouse protesting and the other feeling ashamed and defending.

His picture of it is hard to forget. A pointed finger and a clenched fist are both reaching for connection, but "you can't hold hands with either one."

What does a mature response look like?

There are two parts, one for each side of the table.

• Name it instead of protesting. In Kevin's example, Jenny says, "When I walk in and see these dishes and I see you sitting there, I feel unseen, unheard, unvalued, unloved." That brings what is below the table up where your spouse can see it.
• Ask instead of defending. Remember your spouse wants to connect with you, and don't make it about yourself.

Kevin describes pausing the television, walking to the sink, and asking Jenny to sit while he washes. Then he asks, "Tell me more about that," and even, "What's it like being married to me?" As he draws her heart out onto the table, she eventually asks him the same questions. The guard he thought would protect him was what kept them apart.

Can your differences become a strength?

Once a couple connects, they can laugh at their differences. Jenny falls into bed listing ten things to do tomorrow, and Kevin lies awake until 3 a.m. When he asked her not to, she offered to cut the list in half.

Kevin says some things still need to be shared, and a couple should work through them instead of shrugging them off. Beyond those, he says a spouse's presence means "your strengths are now multiplied, and your weaknesses are divided." Speak life to each other: "I'm so glad you challenge me in that way."

Common questions

Why do small things turn into big fights in marriage?

Often the issue is carrying a deeper feeling of being unseen, unheard, unvalued, or unloved. When that feeling isn't named, the issue gets bigger to match it.

What should I do when my spouse criticizes me?

Try not to defend yourself first. Ask what is going on underneath, keep the focus on your spouse, and listen. Defending keeps the spotlight on you and usually makes your spouse feel even less heard.

How do I tell my spouse how I feel without starting a fight?

Name the feeling plainly instead of attacking. "I feel unseen when this happens" invites connection, while "you never care" invites a defense.