Your First Christmas Without a Loved One: What Helps

You get through your first Christmas without a loved one by realizing it's going to hurt, and deciding ahead of time what to keep, change, and skip, and letting a few people walk alongside you. You don't have to feel festive, and you don't have to do it the way you always have. Here is what helps, and where to find support at Calvary Church of Naperville.

Why do the first holidays after a death hurt so much?

Because the holidays are built around the people at the table. In late November the calendar stops, asks everyone to gather, and the gathering has a hole in it.

Add the triggers you never chose: a card addressed to both of you, a carol in the grocery store, the smell of the pie she made every year. Memory doesn't ask permission.

For many people the anticipation is worse than the day, and GriefShare's article on the first milestones after a loss says the body joins in: poor sleep, trouble concentrating, a tiredness that doesn't match anything you did. All of it sits inside the year of firsts, when every holiday comes around for the first time without them.

In a 2021 Harris Poll for the nonprofit Experience Camps, 36 percent of U.S. adults said they didn't feel like celebrating the holidays because of grief and loss (Harris Poll for Experience Camps). If you can't feel the season, you are not the only one.

Pastor Marty Sloan, our Lead Pastor, said it plainly in his message on John 11: "It's okay to not be okay." You can grieve and believe at the same time. Read more in Jesus Wept: What John 11 Teaches About Grief and Hope.

The year of firsts: dates to mark now

Grief doesn't move in a straight line, but the calendar does. In the first year, many people find:

• The first Thanksgiving. The first big gathering, with the seating wrong.
• The first Christmas card season. Cards arrive addressed to both of you. Some families send none this year.
• Christmas Eve and Christmas morning. The carols, and the stocking you don't know whether to hang.
• New Year's Eve. It can be as hard as Christmas, or harder. Midnight closes the last year that held them.
• Their birthday, your anniversary, and the anniversary of the death.

Knowing the dates takes some of the ambush away. Mark them, tell one person, and decide what you want to do with each day. And take GriefShare's word for it: the first year will not always feel this intense. For eight practical steps that cover the whole season, read Surviving the Holidays After a Loss.

Your first Thanksgiving without a parent

When a parent dies, Thanksgiving loses the person who held the day together. Somebody has to decide who makes Dad's stuffing, or whether Mom's pie gets made at all. Either answer is fine. Decide ahead of time, so nobody is ambushed by a recipe card on Thursday morning.

The empty seat will be there whether you talk about it or not, so talk about it. GriefShare's advice for Thanksgiving after a loss is simple: light a candle at the table in their honor, and tell one memory before the meal. Many families also name them in the Thanksgiving prayer. Tears at the table are a family doing what families do.

Your children and grandchildren learn from how you grieve. When they see you say Grandpa's name and cry when you need to, they learn that love doesn't end and sorrow is allowed in this family. GriefShare's article on the holidays after losing a parent suggests a new tradition built on something they loved, and one rehearsed, honest answer to "How are you?"

And if you have always hosted and can't face it this year, accept an invitation instead. Hosting can wait.

Your first Christmas without your spouse

Losing a spouse changes every room in the house, and December walks through every one of them. GriefShare's article on the holidays after losing your spouse offers a few things that help:

• Give yourself permission to grieve: cry, skip an event, or feel a moment of joy without guilt.
• Change what hurts: a smaller tree, a different house, a simpler schedule. A smaller Christmas is still Christmas.
• Set boundaries and plan ahead: say no to what you can't manage, leave early when you have had enough (drive yourself so you can), and decide in advance where you'll be on the hardest days.
• Honor them on purpose: a candle at the meal, an ornament made for them, a gift to a cause they loved, an evening of stories and photos.

Then there is the practical weight: the cards they used to sign, the gifts they used to buy for the kids and grandkids, the side of the bed that stays made. Those were two people's jobs, and you are one. Ask for help with the list.

When your child has died

If your child has died, nothing in this post can make Christmas right, and we won't pretend otherwise. There is no tip for this. There is only company.

The Christmas story makes room for you. Right after the first Christmas, Matthew records "Rachel weeping for her children and refusing to be comforted, because they are no more" (Matthew 2:18). The Bible does not edit her out. Jesus wept at the death of a friend, and He is not ashamed of your tears.

Do only what you can. Keep their stocking up or take it down. Answer "How many children do you have?" however you can manage that day. If there are other children in the house, use the word "died," let them help decide the holiday plans, and keep their routines, which is what GriefShare's guidance on grieving children at the holidays recommends. GriefShare welcomes parents who have lost a child of any age, and if a group is too much right now, our Care team will come and sit with you.

Keep, change, or skip: how do you decide about traditions?

Every tradition has three options, and all three are allowed. GriefShare's article on finding peace during the holidays puts it this way: you can choose which traditions to keep, adjust, or let go of entirely this year. For example:

• Christmas Eve. Keep: the 6 p.m. service at Calvary, in your usual seats. Change: come, but sit near an aisle with a friend and step out during a carol if you need to. Skip: watch it online this year.
• Mom's cookies. Keep: the grandkids make them from her recipe card. Change: buy the cookies and make her cocoa instead. Skip: no baking this year. The kitchen was hers.
• The big dinner at your house. Keep: host it, with help. Change: dinner at your sister's or a restaurant, so nobody has to cook in their kitchen. Skip: breakfast and a long walk instead.
• The cards. Keep: send them, signed with one name. Change: one family email or photo instead. Skip: no cards this year. People will understand.

Decide with the family ahead of time, and say it out loud: "We're not doing the big dinner this year. We're doing breakfast and a walk." Then nobody is guessing. And whatever you skip this year can come back next year. As GriefShare's holiday survival tips put it, set it aside for another time.

Seven ways to honor them this Christmas

Remembering on purpose puts you in charge of the memories. A few ways:

• Light a candle at the meal and say who it's for.
• Hang an ornament with their name.
• Make their recipe, even if it doesn't turn out like theirs.
• Give to something they loved in their name.
• Say their name in a prayer request, and our team will pray for you by name.
• Read our Advent guide one morning at a time, from November 29 to Christmas Day.
• Write them a letter. Read it out loud at the cemetery, or keep it in your Bible.

The first Christmas was not tidy either

We picture the first Christmas as calm, but read it again and you find sorrow in the middle of it. When Mary and Joseph brought Jesus to the temple, Simeon blessed them and then told Mary something no new mother wants to hear.

And a sword will pierce your own soul too.

Luke 2:35

Grief was written into Christmas from the start. The name Matthew records for this child matters most when the house is quiet.

"The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel" (which means "God with us").

Matthew 1:23

God with us at the table with the empty chair, and on the drive home from the cemetery.

Pastor Jason McElwee, teaching at Calvary on 2 Corinthians 5, said that for a follower of Jesus, death is "a change of address." He also said, "You can trust God and still miss someone." Paul told grieving Christians that we do not "grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope" (1 Thessalonians 4:13). Grief with hope is still grief, and hope does not require dry eyes. Read more in What Happens When You Die?

Where can you find support in Naperville?

None of this requires being a member of Calvary Church of Naperville.

GriefShare. Our grief support group meets Sundays from 11 a.m. to 12:30 p.m. in Room 222; enter at Door 24 and head upstairs. Tish, Julie, and Michelle lead it. Each session stands on its own, so you can join any week; childcare is available, and the only cost is the $20 workbook. The current session runs through November 22, and a new one begins Sunday, January 10, 2027. Register for GriefShare, or see the group's listing on GriefShare's site.

If you missed this year's seminar, GriefShare's Surviving the Holidays page can find other dates near Naperville.

The Care team. Send a prayer request and we will pray for you by name. For a call or a visit, tell our Care team. For an urgent need, our on-call pastor answers at 630-851-7000.

A counselor. Sometimes grief doesn't ease on its own. If months have passed and the grief is not easing, a counselor can help, and asking is not a lack of faith. Our Care page lists trusted local counselors.

If you are in crisis. If you have had thoughts of not wanting to be here, call 988 or text 988 any hour, and see the crisis help on our Care page.

Reading this for someone you love? Start with How to Help a Grieving Friend During the Holidays.

Common questions

Is the first Christmas after a death the hardest?

Often, but not always. Many people find the weeks of dread before the first Christmas harder than the day itself, and the second Christmas can hurt in its own way, because, as GriefShare puts it, grief often lasts much longer than the active support around it. Whichever year you're in, plan the day, mark the dates in the year of firsts, and tell one person what you're facing.

Should I keep our traditions or change them this year?

Either is allowed, and so is skipping. Sort each tradition with your family ahead of time into keep, change, or skip, and say the decision out loud so nobody is guessing. Whatever you skip this year can come back next year.

How do I get through Thanksgiving after losing my mom or dad?

Decide ahead of time who makes their recipe, or whether it gets made this year. Name them in the Thanksgiving prayer, tell one memory before the meal, and let the tears come. If hosting is too much, accept an invitation instead; hosting can return next year.

How do I handle the holidays after losing my husband or wife?

Lower your expectations for the season, drive yourself so you can leave when you need to, give an hour to someone else, and decide ahead of time how you'll honor them. Ask for help with the cards and gifts they used to handle. GriefShare at Calvary meets Sundays at 11 a.m. in Room 222 (enter at Door 24), and Calvary Prime, our ministry for adults 55 and over, hosts brunches through the season.

Is it okay to skip Christmas this year?

Yes. You can skip the decorations, the party, the gift exchange, or the big dinner, and nobody who loves you will hold it against you. Keep one small thing that is good for you, like a quiet service or breakfast with a friend, so the day is not only an absence. Christmas Eve at Calvary is at 6 p.m. on December 24 in the Auditorium and online, and you can leave whenever you need to.

Written by Paris Cannon, Director of Care