How to Help a Grieving Friend During the Holidays

If someone you love is grieving this holiday season, it can be tough knowing what to say or what to do. You don't need perfect words. You simply need to show up. Say their loved one's name and offer something specific versus "let me know if you need anything." Invite them without pressure, and keep checking in after the decorations come down. This post gives you the words, things to avoid, and a few ways our church family can walk with them.

Why do people pull away from a grieving friend at the holidays?

Usually it isn't a lack of love. It's fear. We're afraid of saying the wrong thing, afraid of "reminding" them (they have not forgotten), and afraid of breaking the cheerful mood a holiday party seems to require. So we send a card, keep our distance, and tell ourselves we're giving them space.

That fear is common. In a 2021 Harris Poll for the nonprofit Experience Camps, 36 percent of U.S. adults said they didn't feel like celebrating the holidays because of grief and loss, and 70 percent said they often don't know what to say or do when someone they care about is grieving (Harris Poll for Experience Camps). Your friend has probably noticed people going quiet. Your voice, even a clumsy one, will stand out.

The Bible's best picture of a comforting friend is a quiet one. When Job lost his children, his friends came and sat with him on the ground for a week.

Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was.

Job 2:13

Their best moment was before they started explaining his pain to him. Paul puts the whole job in five words: "mourn with those who mourn" (Romans 12:15).

What should you say to someone grieving at Christmas?

Say less than you think you need to, and say the name. Here are lines that help:

• "I've been thinking about Tom this week. I miss him too."
• "I don't know what to say, but I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere."
• "This is your first Christmas without her. How are you feeling about it?" Then listen, without fixing.
• "Can I tell you my favorite memory of your dad?"
• "I'm praying for you today." Then do it, and text them the prayer. Two sentences are plenty.
• Instead of "Merry Christmas," try "Thinking of you this Christmas."

If they cry, you didn't cause it. The grief was already there. You gave them a safe place to let it out.

What should you not say to a grieving friend?

Most hurtful lines come from a good heart and a nervous mouth. Leave these out:

• "They're in a better place." It may be true, but it ends the conversation and asks your friend to stop hurting.
• "At least..." Anything that follows "at least" shrinks their loss.
• "God needed another angel." It isn't in the Bible, and it makes God the one who took their person.
• "Everything happens for a reason." Even when God brings good from pain, this is not the week to say so.
• "I know exactly how you feel." You don't, and your friend knows it.
• "You're so strong," or "You should be feeling better by now." Both tell them how to grieve.
• "Let me know if you need anything." It sounds kind, but it hands the work back to the person with the least energy.

Pastor Marty Sloan, our Lead Pastor, said it this way in his message on John 11: "It's okay to not be okay." Jesus wept on the way to His friend's tomb before He did anything else (John 11:35). We can sit in someone's grief without rushing to fix it. You can read more in Jesus Wept: What John 11 Teaches About Grief and Hope.

What do you write in a Christmas card to someone who lost a loved one?

Write by hand, name the person who died, and don't ask them to be merry. Three examples you can borrow:

A store card signed with only your name is a card. One handwritten sentence makes it a message. And a second card in January, or on the anniversary of the death, often means more than the one in December, because by then most people have gone quiet.

What kind of help actually helps?

Grieving people are often offered help in a way they can't accept. "Anything you need" asks them to plan, decide, and ask. Specific help removes all three.

How can you support a grieving friend through our church?

Calvary Church of Naperville has a few places where grieving people are understood, and the kindest thing you can do is walk your friend to one of them instead of handing them a link.

• GriefShare. Our weekly grief support group meets Sundays at 11 a.m. in Room 222 (enter at Door 24 and head upstairs). Anyone can join at any point in the 13-week session, childcare is available, and the only cost is the $20 workbook. Offer to go with your friend the first week; the walk from the parking lot is often the hardest part. If they're dreading the season itself, send them Surviving the Holidays After a Loss, or read it with them. Register for GriefShare
• Prayer. Pray with your friend out loud, briefly, right where you are. You can also send a prayer request so our team prays with them too.
• The Care team. If your friend would welcome a call or a visit, tell our Care team. For an urgent need, our on-call pastor answers at 630-851-7000. Everything we offer is on our Care page.
• Christmas. Invite them to sit with you at Christmas at Calvary. They don't have to feel festive to come, and nobody will mind if they slip out early.

Pastor Joel Schmidgall, preaching at Calvary on Psalm 84, described people who pass through the valley of weeping and dig wells for the travelers coming behind them (Finding God in Painful Seasons). If you have grieved before, you have water to share. Paul says God "comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God" (2 Corinthians 1:4).

Keep showing up after the holidays

The cards stop in January. The meals stop in February. Your friend's grief doesn't. GriefShare puts it plainly in its article on what to do when people stop checking in: "Grief often lasts much longer than the active support around it." Set a reminder to text them once a week through the winter, mark the anniversary, and invite them to something ordinary in March. The people who help most are rarely the ones with the best words. They're the ones who are still there.

Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.

Galatians 6:2

Common questions

What do you say to someone who is grieving at Christmas?

Say their loved one's name and keep it simple: "I've been thinking about Tom this week," or "I don't know what to say, but I'm here." Ask how they're feeling about the holidays, then listen without fixing. "Thinking of you this Christmas" is kinder than "Merry Christmas."

What should I write in a Christmas card to someone who lost a loved one this year?

Write one handwritten line that names the person who died and releases your friend from being festive, such as "Thinking of you this Christmas, and of Linda. No pressure to celebrate. We're here and praying for you." A second card in January or on the anniversary often means even more.

What should I not say to a grieving friend?

Avoid "they're in a better place," anything that starts with "at least," "God needed another angel," "everything happens for a reason," "I know exactly how you feel," and "you should be feeling better by now." Instead of "let me know if you need anything," offer something specific with a date.

Should I still invite a grieving friend to holiday parties?

Yes. Invite them with an easy way out: "Come for dessert and leave whenever you want." Expect them to say no sometimes, don't take it personally, and keep inviting them, this year and next.

How can I support someone who is grieving at church?

Walk them in. Offer a ride, sit with them where they can slip out, and go with them to GriefShare, which meets Sundays at 11 a.m. in Room 222 at Calvary Church (enter at Door 24). You can also send a prayer request or ask the Care team to reach out, and for urgent needs the on-call pastor answers at 630-851-7000.

Written by Paris Cannon, Director of Care