Surviving the Holidays After a Loss: 8 Ways to Get Through the Season

If you're dreading the holidays this year, you're not doing it wrong. The season magnifies whoever is missing, and the weeks between Thanksgiving and New Year's are often the hardest stretch of the whole year. You will get through them, and you don't have to pretend: just plan ahead, ease or lower the bar, keep what helps and change what hurts, and let a few people walk alongside you.

Why does grief get heavier between Thanksgiving and Christmas?

Because the holidays are made of people. The chair at the table, the name on the stocking, the person who carved the turkey or read the Christmas story. Everything about the season points at who is there, so it also points at who isn't.

Then there are the triggers, those ambush grief moments that you don't see coming and can't plan around: a carol in the grocery store, the smell of a pie, a card addressed to both of you, a photo that pops up on your phone. Add the pressure to look cheerful for everyone else, and it makes sense that so many grieving people would rather skip from mid-November straight to January.

You are not alone. In a 2021 Harris Poll for the nonprofit Experience Camps, 36 percent of U.S. adults said they didn't feel like celebrating the holidays because of grief and loss (Harris Poll for Experience Camps). That is more than one in three people.

Pastor Marty Sloan, our Lead Pastor, said it plainly in his message on John 11: "It's okay to not be okay." Grief is not a lack of faith. Jesus wept with loved ones on the way to the tomb of a friend He was about to raise. Ecclesiastes 3:4 says there is "a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance."

Here is another reason it's okay. Grief is not a bad thing; it's a sign of love. It's evidence that God brought a blessing into your life that was precious and you want to cherish it. And one of the ways you cherish it is through the sadness that you feel. So in essence, you are not only going through grief, you are growing through grief, with the help of Jesus.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Psalm 34:18

What should you expect this season?

Knowing what's coming makes it a little easier to bear. A few things that catch grieving people off guard:

• The dread is often worse than the day. Many people spend weeks bracing for Thanksgiving or Christmas Eve and then find the day itself is quieter than they feared.
• Grief comes in waves. You can be fine wrapping a gift and become undone by a song ten minutes later. That isn't a setback. It's how grief works.
• You will be tired. Grief is physical. Sleep gets strange, food loses its taste, and small tasks feel heavy.
• You may feel guilty for enjoying something. A laugh at dinner does not mean you've forgotten. It means you're still here, and grief leaves room for that.
• Other people will get awkward. Some will avoid the subject. A few will say the wrong thing. Most are afraid, not unkind. If you're the friend in that picture, read How to Help a Grieving Friend During the Holidays.

If this is your first holiday season without them, Your First Christmas Without a Loved One goes deeper on the year of firsts, including the first Thanksgiving without a parent and the first Christmas without a spouse.

Eight ways to get through the holidays while grieving

These steps come from GriefShare's holiday survival tips, from the people who lead our grief group at Calvary Church of Naperville, and from Scripture. Take the ones you need. Further down you'll find the free grief support we offer, including GriefShare's Surviving the Holidays seminar and our weekly GriefShare group.

1. Plan ahead, and decide early

Look at the calendar now and decide which gatherings you'll attend, how long you'll stay, and what you'll say when someone asks how you're doing. Write it down. Tell your family. A plan made on a calm Tuesday is far kinder than a decision forced on you in a crowded kitchen. Mel Erickson, a hospice social worker featured in GriefShare's Surviving the Holidays seminar, calls this a "family huddle." Rehearse one honest line for "How are you?" too, something like "Some days are hard. Today is a decent one. Thanks for asking."

2. Lower the bar

This year does not have to look like last year. Send fewer cards, or none. Bake one thing instead of six. Put up the small tree, or just the lights. A smaller Christmas is still Christmas. Nobody who loves you is grading the decorations.

3. Keep one tradition, change one, skip one

Sit down with the people you'll spend the holidays with and sort your traditions into three piles: keep, change, skip. Keep the one that comforts you. Change the one that hurts (eat out instead of cooking their meal, open gifts in the morning instead of on the Eve). Skip the one you can't face. Say it out loud so no one is surprised. Whatever you skip this year is not gone forever. It can come back when you're ready. In GriefShare's article on finding peace during the holidays, counselor Susan Lutz describes how, after her dad died, her mom and sister skipped the beautiful tree he had always prized and brought home a "Charlie Brown" Christmas tree on Christmas Eve instead. Smaller, and still theirs.

4. Build an exit plan

Drive yourself. Tell the host ahead of time, "I may leave after dinner, and it's not about you." Agree on a signal with one trusted person who will walk you out without a scene. Knowing you can leave makes it much easier to arrive.

5. Honor them on purpose

Grief looks for an outlet, and a planned moment of remembering keeps it from ambushing you. A few ways:

• Light a candle at the meal.
• Hang an ornament with their name.
• Make the recipe they always made, even if you make it badly.
• Give to something they loved in their name.
• Read the Christmas story in Luke 2 from their Bible.
• Say their name at the table and tell one story, or name them in the Thanksgiving prayer.

The tears that come are part of the honoring.

6. Take care of your body

Sleep when you can, eat real food, walk outside in the daylight, and go easy on alcohol. Grief already costs your body a great deal. Don't make it pay twice.

7. Let people in

When someone offers specific help, say yes. When a friend invites you, go for an hour. Tell one person what you actually need: "Could you sit with me at the Christmas Eve service?" or "Could you call me on the 25th?" Then look outward once: invite someone who will be alone this season, or take a shift serving a meal. People who have grieved say it helps more than they expected. And find people who understand from the inside. That is exactly what a GriefShare group is, and it's why we host one every week.

8. Let grief and joy sit together

You will cry during a carol and laugh at a child's face on the same afternoon. Both are honest. Pastor Jason McElwee, preaching at Calvary on 2 Corinthians 5, put it simply: "You can trust God and still miss someone." For a follower of Jesus, death is a change of address, not the end of the story, and that hope leaves plenty of room for tears.

What does the Bible say to people who are grieving at Christmas?

The first Christmas was not tidy. When Mary and Joseph brought the baby Jesus to the temple, a man named Simeon blessed them and then told Mary the truth: "a sword will pierce your own soul too" (Luke 2:35). Grief was written into the story from the start. The child's name was Immanuel, "God with us" (Matthew 1:23), and the prophet called Him "Prince of Peace" (Isaiah 9:6). He came to a world that already had funerals in it.

Pastor Marty pointed to Isaiah 53 to explain why Jesus understands your grief so well: "Before you ever felt it, he's already carried it."

Surely he took up our pain and bore our suffering.

Isaiah 53:4

Jesus did not promise that His people would skip grief. He promised comfort inside it.

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

Matthew 5:4

And Paul wrote to a church that had buried people they loved, not to tell them to stop grieving, but to grieve differently.

Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope.

1 Thessalonians 4:13

Grief with hope still cries. It just cries toward a morning that is coming. Pastor Joel Schmidgall, preaching at Calvary on Psalm 84, called the valley of weeping "something you are going through, not the place you are going to." If you want to go deeper, start with Jesus Wept: What John 11 Teaches About Grief and Hope and Finding God in Painful Seasons.

Surviving the Holidays at Calvary

Calvary Church hosts GriefShare's Surviving the Holidays seminar, a stand-alone two-hour event for anyone facing Thanksgiving and Christmas after a death. If you missed this year's date, GriefShare's Surviving the Holidays page can find other seminars near Naperville, and our GriefShare group meets every Sunday.

GriefShare at Calvary: a group that understands

GriefShare is a weekly grief support group for anyone who has lost a spouse, child, parent, sibling, or friend. Each week there's a video, a small-group conversation, and a workbook to take home. One GriefShare participant described it this way: it "feels like having warm arms wrapped around you when you're shivering."

• When: Sundays, 11 a.m. to 12:30 p.m. The current session runs through November 22, and a new session begins Sunday, January 10, 2027.
• Where: Room 222 at Calvary Church. Enter at Door 24 and head upstairs.
• Who: led by Tish, Julie, and Michelle. Childcare is available.
• Cost: the $20 workbook is the only cost.
• When to start: any week. The program runs about 13 weeks, and each session stands on its own.

Register for GriefShare, or ask our Care team about the January 10 session. You can also see the group's listing on GriefShare's site.

Other help near Naperville

• Prayer. Send a prayer request any time. Our team reads every one and prays.
• A pastor. For an urgent need, our on-call pastor answers at 630-851-7000. If you're planning a service for someone you've lost, request a celebration of life service and we will help you honor them.
• Counseling. Some grief needs a professional alongside a church family. If your grief is not easing months later, or if it's keeping you from daily life, a counselor can help. Our Care page lists trusted local counselors.
• Crisis help. If you or someone you love is thinking about suicide, call or text 988 any time (call or text). More crisis resources are on our Care page.

Coming to church at Christmas when you're grieving

You don't have to feel festive to come to church. Christmas can hold grief and hope in the same room; it did the first time. A few things that help: sit near an aisle so you can step out, ask a friend to sit with you, and give yourself permission to leave during a song. Nobody at Calvary will think less of you for tears. The Christmas at Calvary page has every service, including Christmas Eve at 6 p.m. and the free Sounds of Christmas concerts on December 12 and 13. If a daily rhythm would help, our Advent guide gives you one Scripture, one short reflection, and one prayer each morning from November 29 to Christmas Day.

Common questions

Is it normal to not want to celebrate the holidays after a death?

Yes. In a 2021 Harris Poll for the nonprofit Experience Camps, 36 percent of U.S. adults said they didn't feel like celebrating the holidays because of grief and loss. You can scale the season down, change traditions, or sit some of it out this year, and it does not mean you've failed your family or your faith.

What is GriefShare's Surviving the Holidays seminar?

It's a stand-alone two-hour event for people grieving a death during the holiday season: a video with grief experts and people who have also lost loved ones. The seminar also includes a small-group discussion and a take-home guide with practical tips for the weeks ahead. You don't need to be in a GriefShare group to attend. At Calvary Church it's free, and you don't need to be a member or a regular attender; anyone grieving a loss is welcome, and so is the friend who comes with you. GriefShare's Surviving the Holidays page can find other seminars near Naperville.

When is Surviving the Holidays at Calvary this year?

Saturday, November 7, 2026, from 10 a.m. to noon at Calvary Church, 9S200 State Route 59, Naperville, in the Ministry Training Center. Enter at Door 1, across from the Bistro. It's free. You can register on GriefShare's site, and if you decide at the last minute, come anyway, and bring someone if you'd like.

Where can I find grief support in Naperville?

Calvary's GriefShare group meets Sundays from 11 a.m. to 12:30 p.m. in Room 222 at 9S200 State Route 59 in Naperville (enter at Door 24). You can join at any point in the session, childcare is available, and the only cost is the $20 workbook. Our Care team also offers prayer, pastoral care, and a list of trusted local counselors. For urgent needs, the on-call pastor answers at 630-851-7000, and the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline is available any time by call or text.

Can I come to a Christmas service if I might cry?

Please do. Sit where you can slip out, bring a friend, and leave whenever you need to. Christmas Eve at Calvary is at 6 p.m. on December 24, and Sounds of Christmas is free on December 12 and 13. You don't have to be cheerful to be welcome.

Written by Paris Cannon, Director of Care