When Your Spouse Isn't Ready to Reconcile

What do you do when you are ready to make up and your spouse is not? Give space, because people process conflict at different speeds, but don't let "I need time" become a way to never talk. Later, when you are not fighting, ask what your spouse needs, and work together to shorten how long you feel disconnected.

Why do some spouses need more time after a fight?

This episode of Marriage360, the marriage podcast from Pastor Marty and Becky Sloan of Calvary Church of Naperville, is a question time with Pastor Marty's friend Kevin Thompson, after the talk heard in Is Your Marriage Healthy, or Just Surviving and What's Going On Below the Table. The question behind the episode's title is one many couples ask: during disagreements, how do I learn to have patience when my spouse isn't ready to communicate or reconcile, but I am?

Kevin's answer starts with balance. "We run at different speeds on that," he says. We can't just excuse a spouse who is never willing to talk about it, but we do have to give space, because people process things in different ways.

Kevin says he does not feel anger in the moment; he feels it later. So his wife, Jenny, can think they worked through something while he grows bitter afterward. After 26 years, he calls it the privilege of marriage: you learn what it takes for each of you to come back together.

How can a couple shorten the disconnection?

Kevin remembers a line from One Week, a 1990s song by Barenaked Ladies about a couple's fight: it will still be two days until she says she's sorry. Couples fall into patterns like that. His goal for the couples he works with is honest: "We can't eliminate the disconnection. We can shorten how long we feel disconnected."

The way to do that, he says, is to have an honest conversation at a time when you are not fighting. Ask your spouse questions like these:

• Is there any way I can assist you on things like this?
• What do you need?
• How much time do you need?
• What gets you in a good spot to work through this?

Kevin calls it deconstructing the fight when you're not fighting. Pastor Marty jokes that it can also stoke the coals of a fire you just put out.

What if your spouse seems to be somewhere else?

Another question came from a wife whose husband compartmentalizes parts of their life: how can she help him be present in the moments that matter most? Kevin says part of it is personality, which you learn to appreciate. Part may be attachment: an avoidant style compartmentalizes more, an anxious style less. Instead of trying to change him, she can choose a secure approach herself, which may help him choose a secure way as well.

Is a quick apology a good thing?

Pastor Marty asked about a familiar pattern: one spouse says "I'm sorry" just to get it over with and never deals with the issue. Kevin connects that to avoidant attachment.

Attachment, he says, is a psychological term that explains much of Genesis 2 and 3. Secure attachment is healthy love, and Kevin sees Jesus as its ultimate picture. Anxious, avoidant, and disorganized are three insecure forms. An avoidant person wants to avoid the issue, the discomfort, and the tension, so they may say "I'm sorry" without meaning it, just to avoid being vulnerable.

"That's a dangerous spot," Kevin says. Trying to appease your spouse "might work in the moment, but it's gonna kill your future." If what you really want is peace, "peace is sometimes found by walking into the tension." Someone who wants to run needs to learn to stay in it, and when they do, they discover they are going to be okay.

What can you say when things are tense?

Pastor Marty shares a moment from his own marriage. During a tense time, Becky took hold of his arms, face to face, and said, "We're gonna be okay." It brought him calm. In a tense spot, he says, the enemy who wants to destroy you can send your thoughts in a thousand directions, and none of them are true.

He also laughs about their differences. Becky, a medical professional, clarifies the problem, resolves it, and moves on. Pastor Marty, who lives in what he calls the circle world of shepherding and theology, wonders whether there is another layer to unpack. Her answer: she is going to bed, and he can unpack it by himself.

Kevin closes with the picture he loves: when it's tense, rise above the moment, remind each other of your connection, and then come back to the issue united, so that together you fight against the problem, not each other.

Common questions

What should I do when my spouse won't talk after a fight?

Give some space, since people process at different speeds. Then, at a calm time, ask what your spouse needs and how much time they need, so you can shorten how long you feel disconnected.

Is it bad to apologize just to end an argument?

An apology you don't mean may calm things for a moment, but it leaves the issue unsolved. Kevin Thompson says peace is sometimes found by walking into the tension instead of running from it.

How do attachment styles affect conflict in marriage?

An avoidant spouse tends to pull away or compartmentalize, while an anxious spouse compartmentalizes less and may try to change the other. Choosing a secure, calm approach yourself, instead of trying to change your spouse, can help both of you.