Boundaries: Opposite-Sex Friendships and In-Laws

Can married people have friends of the opposite sex? Within reason, yes, but with clear boundaries and a spouse who feels you are doing right, not only one who hopes you are. In-laws need boundaries too: decide together who you will be as a couple, then ask what you control, what you can influence, and what you have to accept.

Can married people have opposite-sex friends?

This episode of Marriage360, the marriage podcast from Pastor Marty and Becky Sloan of Calvary Church of Naperville, is more of the question time with Pastor Marty's friend Kevin Thompson, after the talk heard in Is Your Marriage Healthy, or Just Surviving. The first question: can people in a committed relationship have opposite-sex friends without compromising it?

"Within reason, sure," Kevin said. If his wife, Jenny, were ever hesitant about any relationship he had, that alone would get his attention. Jenny owns an advertising company and works with men in the business world, and there is a great deal of trust and openness between them. As a pastor, Kevin keeps boundaries that are more restrictive than she needs. But everyone needs some lines, he said: "Not only do I have to do right, I have to make sure that my wife feels like I'm doing right as well."

Pastor Marty has always believed a spouse has the right to refuse any relationship, and that concerns should be said out loud.

Why do boundaries matter so much?

"I've never seen an affair in my years as a pastor that began the second they first met somebody," Pastor Marty said. "Affairs begin over time." They grow through what he called soft communication portals, where you can't know the other person's intentions, and "you can't afford to let somebody into your vulnerable spaces."

He laughed at how careful he has been. He once had a female assistant he barely met with, and when she moved away her parting advice was to hire someone he could actually have a meeting with. He admits that may go too far. But he has seen the pain an affair causes, and he knows that today even an accusation, with no evidence at all, can take a pastor out. "What's good for us is good for you," he said, because infidelity can destroy any marriage quickly.

Kevin added that as a pastor he has seen affairs at work "way too much," and that "in all professions, there are boundaries you have to be very aware of."

Can you worry too much about this?

Yes, Kevin said. Someone with a more anxious attachment style can be concerned in a way that is actually unhealthy. It helps to ask what a secure approach would look like, and whether past hurt is shaping the worry.

Pastor Marty offered a positive side too: one of the greatest benefits to a healthy marriage is other healthy relationships that are marriage centered and marriage encouraging. "Have lots of couples you do life with," he said.

How do you handle disagreements with in-laws?

Kevin has a book on this called Stay in Your Lane. It asks three questions: what's mine, what's theirs, and what's God's? Or put another way: what do I control, what do I influence, and what do I accept?

Once, after teaching it to a room of women, a mother said she had four adult daughters-in-law who desperately needed to read the book. Kevin's advice: buy four copies, give one to each, and say, "I've read this book, and I want you to hold me accountable to staying in my lane."

Pastor Marty noted that Calvary is a church of 73 nations, and family culture shapes how much influence parents expect to have. People have come to his office at Calvary whose relative in another country calls to dictate the details of their married life. Kevin said the question is what culture you are creating: "Jenny and I get to choose who we're going to be." Then you love everyone well and draw boundaries with family. He also pointed couples to the book Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend.

What changes when you become the in-law?

Kevin also thinks about the generation coming up behind him. His family has six seats at the dinner table and four people, and he has told his grown kids they get to choose who fills the other two. As long as that person does not threaten their safety, "it's our job to love them, whoever it is." And he will keep his opinions to himself unless he is asked.

Pastor Marty called that one of the pivots from childhood to adulthood: "You ask me, I don't tell you."

What must a couple share?

The last question asked which things are non-negotiable. Kevin named faithfulness, trust, respect, equal effort, and passion for the relationship. Before marriage, he said, he would not marry someone who is not a believer, or someone he does not respect, who does not respect him back, or who does not respect his family.

Common questions

Is it okay to have opposite-sex friends when you are married?

Within reason, with clear boundaries. Kevin Thompson says it is not enough to do right; your spouse should also feel that you are doing right, and any hesitation from your spouse deserves your attention.

How do affairs usually start?

Pastor Marty Sloan says he has never seen an affair begin the moment two people met. Affairs grow over time through private conversations that let someone into your vulnerable spaces.

How should a couple handle pressure from in-laws?

Decide together who you will be as a couple, then ask what you control, what you can influence, and what you have to accept. Love your families well while keeping clear boundaries.